Why I Sometimes Assign “Write a Will” as Therapy Homework for People Pleasers
How creating a will can help anxious people pleasers practice boundaries, self-trust, and decision-making.
When people think about therapy homework, they usually imagine journaling prompts, breathing exercises, or worksheets. What they don't expect is for their therapist to tell them:
"I want you to write your will."
And yet, this is an exercise I've assigned to some therapy clients over the years—particularly anxious people pleasers who struggle with boundaries, self-trust, and making decisions based on their own values.
Not because I'm morbid. Not because I think they're about to die. But because writing a will forces you to answer one of the most important questions in people-pleasing recovery:
"What do I actually want?"
Why Anxious Adults Need a Will
Let's start with the practical side: many millennials and gen z women assume wills are something you create later in life. After all, you're still building your career, paying off student loans, figuring out relationships, or saving for a house.
But if you have:
A bank account
A vehicle
A home
Retirement savings
A pet
Family heirlooms
Meaningful possessions
You already have things that matter.
A will isn't simply about death. It's about clarity. It's about making sure your wishes are known and your values are reflected in your decisions.
And for anxious people pleasers, that's where things get interesting.
Why Creating Your Will Can Be Therapeutic
When I assign this exercise in therapy, the goal usually isn't to create a legally perfect estate plan. (But I do have a legally binding will recommendation that will walk you through the process!)
The goal is to observe what emotions show up. Almost immediately, people-pleasing patterns emerge.
Clients begin asking questions like:
What if my parents would be hurt by this decision?
What if my siblings think this is unfair?
Am I selfish for wanting something different?
What would everyone else expect me to do?
Notice what happened. The focus shifted away from personal values and toward managing other people's reactions. That's classic people pleasing. For many anxious women, imagining other people's disappointment can feel more uncomfortable than ignoring their own wishes.
The Ultimate Boundary Exercise
Here's what makes this assignment so powerful: you won't be around to manage anyone's emotions about your choices. That reality removes one of the biggest drivers of people pleasing.
There are no uncomfortable conversations. No defending yourself. No over-explaining. No reassurance seeking.
Just your values. Your decisions. Your priorities.
In many ways, writing a will becomes a boundary-setting exercise because it asks:
What would I choose if I wasn't responsible for everyone else's feelings?
For people pleasers, that's a surprisingly difficult question.
Practicing Self-Trust Through Decision Making
One of the biggest goals in therapy for people pleasers is developing emotional autonomy. Emotional autonomy means learning to make decisions based on your values rather than fear, guilt, or external pressure.
Writing a will naturally exercises that skill.
Imagine a woman with complicated family relationships. She has divorced parents, a close friend who has supported her through difficult seasons, and a charity she deeply believes in.
Without a will, her assets may ultimately be distributed according to state laws rather than her personal wishes.
But creating a will requires her to decide:
Who matters most to me?
What values do I want reflected in my decisions?
What impact do I want to leave behind?
Those questions aren't really about death.
They're about identity and values (core aspects of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)).
Why This Is Such Good Practice for Anxious People Pleasers
People pleasing often develops because we're afraid of conflict, rejection, or disappointing others. As a result, many women spend years making choices that keep everyone else comfortable.
Writing a will creates a unique opportunity to practice the opposite.
You can make decisions based on your own convictions without immediately receiving feedback, criticism, or pressure.
The exercise helps strengthen:
Self-trust
Boundary setting
Emotional autonomy
Values-based decision making
Tolerance for discomfort
Confidence in your choices
Those are the exact same skills we work on in therapy.
What Writing a Will Taught Me
When my husband and I completed our own wills, I was surprised by how much the process resembled therapy work.
The conversation wasn't primarily about death; it was about values.
We found ourselves asking:
What matters most to us?
Who has shaped our lives?
How do we want to care for the people and causes we love?
What legacy do we want to leave?
The process brought clarity, and clarity is something anxious people pleasers often desperately need.
Therapy for People Pleasers Is About Learning to Own Your Choices
The reason this assignment can be so powerful is that it highlights something many people pleasers struggle with:
You are allowed to make decisions without consensus.
You are allowed to have preferences.
You are allowed to choose based on your values.
Whether you're creating a will, setting a boundary with family, declining an invitation, or deciding how to spend your money, the underlying skill is the same: trusting yourself.
The Therapist's Takeaway
If you're an anxious people pleaser, I encourage you to consider this thought experiment:
If you had to write a will today, what choices would you make?
And more importantly:
What fears or guilt would immediately show up?
Your answers may reveal more about your people-pleasing patterns than you expect.
Because at its core, writing a will isn't just about preparing for the future.
It's about practicing self-trust in the present.
If you're struggling with anxiety, people pleasing, boundary setting, or decision-making, therapy can help. I work with millennial and Gen Z women across Montana who want to stop overthinking, build confidence, and learn how to make choices based on their values instead of fear.
