Therapy for People-Pleasing and Difficulty Setting Boundaries
with Rachel Sleeper, PCLC
Do you say yes when you actually want to say no?
As a recovering people pleaser myself… welcome to the club!
Do you agree to plans you don't want to make because you're worried about disappointing someone?
Do you spend hours replaying a conversation, wondering if you said something wrong or upset someone?
Do you avoid bringing up problems because you don't want to make things awkward?
Do you feel guilty for setting a boundary, even when you know you need one?
Are you so busy keeping everyone else happy that you're not sure what you actually want anymore?
what therapy with me can look like
In therapy, I use a direct, practical approach to give my clients tools they can use as soon as they walk out of my office or log off of their virtual session. We’ll unpack how you learned to people please, evaluate how it has both helped and harmed you, and start teaching your brain and body how to stay grounded and confident in your relationships. I am first and foremost a strength-based therapist - I’ll hunt for what you’re doing right first, find ways to keep doing that, and then start addressing the behaviors and patterns that are getting in your way.
-
One of my favorite ways to help my people pleasing clients is by helping them recognize the different versions of themselves that they hear in their head. For example, many clients can name their people pleasing part that is terrified of being “bad”. They also have a part that wants to be brave and bold, but those two parts are arguing. I’ll help you befriend these parts, and teach them how to get along, by using the therapy approach called Internal Family Systems.
-
For so many people pleasers, they want to change because they recognize that their “always-says-yes” patterns aren’t working anymore. But change requires bravery, and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) focuses on helping people accept the things that are hard in life, while also giving you tools to make decisions based on your values rather than your people pleasing.
If people pleasing was working for you,
you wouldn’t even be on this page.
After therapy, my clients…
Have learned how to stay calm even when the people around them are throwing temper tantrums
Know strategies for turning off their overthinking brain
Can separate their emotions from the emotions of the people around them
Can kindly and graciously set a boundary
Feel greater mutuality in their relationships
Can stop scanning a room looking for trouble, and actually be present when they’re with others
Can recognize when they have capacity and when they don’t, and they can honor their own needs
What life between sessions can look like…
I give homework to keep your momentum going, and bring therapy out of my office and into your daily life. Homework can look like:
Scripting out ways to decline a request, ranging from “meanest” to “kindest”
Imagining what your favorite movie characters and/or role models would do if they were in your shoes
Practicing saying “no” in their safest relationships first
Rehearsing grounding techniques while in low-stakes conflict (or even pretend conflict with a trusted friend)
Writing a short story of yourself standing your ground and voicing your needs
Listening to podcast episodes on relationships and communication
About Me
As a fellow recovering people pleaser, I get it.
My therapy is designed for people who are motivated and ready to make changes in their life, but aren’t sure what those next steps really are.
We’ll go beyond the surface level (“I freeze up in conflict!”) to the deeper roots underneath, exploring why your nervous system does what it does and how you can interrupt the patterns that aren’t working anymore.
I believe healing happens when you have relationships where you can feel safe enough to explore alternative reactions and behaviors, without a fear of being judged or criticized.
Get Started in 3 Steps
-
Reach out using the button to the left.
-
This 15-20 minute free call gives us both a “vibe check”, making sure we’d be a good fit for your needs and my expertise.
-
When you’re ready to dive in, we’ll h ave our first session. I’ll help you both slow things down, name what’s not working, and begin mapping a path forward.
Whether you want in person or telehealth therapy, I’m ready to get you started on your people pleasing recovery journey.
Healthy, mutual, adult relationships aren’t a myth. You can have them too, without people pleasing, without the spiraling, and without the constant fear that you’ll be “the bad guy.”